Had to say goodbye (or see you soon depending on your beliefs) to two wonderful people today. Really the hardest thing I've had to do in recent memory. I made it through...but just barely. I've always had to use humor to...not mask...but to get through life's emotional curveballs and hold my shit together. I'll summarize just briefly b/c I want to.
These two taught me what funny was...what laughter was...and most of all what love was. I was their only grandchild and most definitely received all the benefits that came with. CDs I wasn't supposed to have, games I probably should have learned at a later age (poker), songs I probably shouldn't have heard until older still (Elvira comes to mind for some reason) and definitely words I shouldn't have used until grown ("damn it" over a dropped sandwich or something...Nan in horror, Pop w/ a sly proud smile on his face). They were what grandparents should be (and what I can see in my parents now as I've been fortunate enough to make them grandparents)...the purveyors of harmless, but necessary joyful mischief. The "yes's" to the parents "no's". The we can skip school today to the parents regimen...the keepers of the fun.
Nan's been gone a long time, and Pop was the last of my grandparents to go which in a way has been the hardest part of this whole thing so far. I miss them, I miss them all. But more importantly...every story I tell, ever sarcastic remark I make, every time I make someone smile or feel like they're "normal" when they may feel differently...well...I don't really miss them at all, b/c that is them. I certainly didn't have the capacity to take all they had to give...but I thank God they had the willingness and love to give me all they had. I pray someday I can do the same...pay it forward as they say. Parents teach and love...guide and mold...but the reward of being a grandparent is you get to fill in the cracks with fun, love, and a dose of "Don't tell mommy or daddy".
I love you nanny and papa, grandma and grandpa...I'll try my hardest not to miss you...but to keep you around by making others feel the way you would have.
