Tad's Acoustic Series Part Five - Changing Once a Day

This is a fun one and well represents a touch of maturity in my song-writing (I just threw up in my mouth typing that out).  Before this song I was always trying to emulate the bands that got me into music, Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, Live, Alice in Chains, etc.  Granted, listen to the stuff that I wrote during that period and I wasn't even close to anything that resembled those bands...but that's what I was trying to be in my head.  Once this song came around...with this vibe and these weird chords that I felt I invented at that time (because I have an enormous head...figuratively and literally) it was a whole new world (author's note:  Came across a UK copy of Aladdin on eBay recently...and my 3 & 4 year old have watched it in the neighborhood of 25 times already...so that may shape some of my writing in the near future).  But without further ado:

Some say they're the same as any other day

But they're not the same, why is that?

It's not that hard to be the same as you were just one day ago

Maybe there's a disease spreading change that no one's ever heard of before...

A different thought a different feeling is a new you coming out

Is there anything you can do to stop it?  I don't see why not

A new yourself a new beginning or just another f***** up you

Why not just hang on to what you're feeling and try and see something through...

With this changing once a day how will you ever really find out who you are?

Will this pattern you've succumbed to ever stop?

How will you ever really know you?

Personalities come and go like the travelers at the bus stop

These days reality is very shaky but some things never change

The hubris of these lyrics is awesome!  Coming off a break up...judging an 18-19 year old girl for having the audacity to change her mind about the way she felt about me...or not even that...just wanting to get out of high school and see what life had to offer outside of her high school boyfriend.  I spent a significant amount of time scouring the deepest recesses of my brain to come up with basically, "Hey!  What's the deal??".  Brilliant stuff!  I guess these lyrics are a shining example of the extreme self-centeredness of youth combined with having yet come to terms with true human nature.  Ah to be young and dumb(er) once again!

Getting away from all that...I guess it just begs the question...do we change...or are we just we?  And is we nothing but a conglomeration of static and erratic behavior where change takes place on a daily basis, minute by minute even...but that "change" is nothing but the sum of what we actually are?  Changing once a day?  Maybe I was aiming way way too low.  Everything we experience from the moment we leave the bed to the moment we return...does it change us in any way?  Does it take a "life-changer" to bring about true change or can picking a different route to work or a new flavor of coffee creamer cause a ripple effect that can honestly alter the course of who we are?  

Or do we actively seek to constantly "change" in order to find out who we really are?  Maybe I had it ass-backwards!  Maybe life is nothing more than a series of auditions and we're trying to secure the role of us?!  By the way...if that's true and I'm auditioning to be me...although I would truly like the part, I would expect the Big Casting Director in the Sky to go with a much younger, slimmer candidate...you'll definitely get more asses in the seats that way.

But enough about me.

As I feel with every one of these...certain there's not much sense to be made...but grateful for any eyeballs trying to find some.

Love y'all.

Tad

Tad's Acoustic Series Part Four - Unseen Love

This one we can go ahead and have a little fun with as to what it actually means...or who it's actually about...or who in the hell did I think I was busting out "vigilance", "sprang out of consciousness", "flower of my love" and "enraptured" in the same verse at the age of...oh...we'll call it 20.  I'm going to say I was coming off of my first long-term relationship...or I guess you could just call it my first relationship...period (no guessing...that's what it was...not sure why I said "I guess" when there's no guessing needed...but I'm leaving it in).  So...if I have to try to figure out where I was going with this I'd have to say...oh, well first, please enjoy, and don't judge too harshly:

Sing softly echoing

I'll bring you anything

Unspoken shuttering

I'll be your everything

You're everything I've wanted you're wholly beautiful

You're everything I need of this I am for sure

You're everything I've wanted you're wholly beautiful

You're everything I need

I would leave this song for another day to hear your voice sing on responding

Wrapped inside your heart just to make you say nothing could destroy my longing

I misplaced my plans take a different way surround yourself I'll be your haunting

Three words once said never quite the same...vision cleared a new understanding

Not a look nor move just vigilance I am convinced

Utter loss of self in your presence you're everything I ever wanted

Open heart sprang out of consciousness the flower of my love unbroken

Capture me enraptured by loveliness my love for you goes on undaunted

As I was saying...my best guess would be that this song was about her...or the idea of her...mixed in with the idea of the next her and how I felt she needed to be honored, respected, and pedestalized (40 Year Old Virgin reference intended).  Also, knowing myself as I do the thought of a next she was nothing more than a pipe-dream anyway as I've apparently been gifted with the self esteem of a prom-night wallflower.

Not sure why that is actually...but I'm guessing it has something to do with only child syndrome and the feeling (while maybe only just that) that your existence is so important to two people that they have no choice but to instill in you the fact that you're special...and you have no choice (being a newer addition to the planet) but to believe what they believe about you.  Once you get out there in the real world and realize that we're all nothing but different shaped/sized/colored versions of the same thing...I think it can take any self-esteem you have packed into your vault and blow it up like unstable dynamite and Doc Arzt of LOST fame (my references are intolerable).

All this to say...the dude who wrote these lyrics makes me nostalgic for the times when his optimism for the future felt so pure...but also annoyed at his naiveté (but not nearly as annoyed as I am w/ myself for my continued use of parenthesis and flowery words such as naiveté) that such feelings can be secured for any lengthy period of time.  These honeymoon phase feelings are merely possible for fleeting moments in our lives.  But, perhaps the best way to live is jumping from fleeting moment to fleeting moment, steeling your heart against the bitterness that life can imbue in you with it's disappointments and struggles and keeping your course steady towards the next fleeting moment.  Maybe with a change in perspective each day can be its own fleeting moment and we can live in utter, silly happiness for the rest of our days...

Is it that simple that the key to a fulfilled and happy life may just lie in the angle from which you choose to observe it?

I don't know much...but I love you for reading this.

Tad

Tad's Acoustic Series Part Three - Untitled

If there's one thing that drives me crazy it's the pretentiousness of an "artist" to not even have the fortitude to name their art.  May I present to you an extremely old song, boldly called, "Untitled"!

This was written probably around 2000 as an unlisted track for an album we were actually making (by we I mean my first band Some Friends of Mine...SFOM to the cool kids).  We had some pretty crazy gigs for being so young...one youth group, two elementary school chapels, and 2 or 3 self promoted gigs at our local church.  We were about as hard core as hard core could be.

Anyways...I wrote this as a solo piece to sort of tag on to the end of the album (recorded in a beat up old garage in Torrance, CA by a really awesome dude, Ken Roberts).  We were a "christian" band...a band full of church-going christians...and as the guy writing the lyrics, pretty much everything had to have a christianity laced tie-in or else I wouldn't go with it.  I guess it was sort of at the beginning (if there ever really was one) of the can a band full of christians just be a band or are they required to be a "christian" band...and is that even a thing...I don't know.  Certainly not the most honest of song-writing approaches...and perhaps a bit contrived...but not in this song, there was definitely sincerity in this one.  Please enjoy:

Goodnight, goodbye my angel

May the gift of silence follow your drifting eyes

May the weight of the world pass over your heart without a fear

And the memories of before lose themselves in the hope of new life

When I look at you I see a light so true

But what you do is not the real you

Goodnight, goodbye my darlin'

Lives can change as the world spins away

Don't believe in anything you hear banged in your head

Don't believe in anything, the world's mistake

As soft as the dawn bringing brand new day

A touch on the heart can bring you all the way

It can bring you all the way

And I'd do anything just to hear your say you're through with looking elsewhere for something

And I'd give everything if you'd find your way

An unbelievable chance for a love free of pain it's not out there in the shadows of life's complaints

But I'm still sitting back waiting for today

Because today is no better time for everything you want

Pretty cut and dry...the concerned narrator pleading with his protagonist to wake up and believe in the treasures that lie beyond what we can see.  Turn off the noise of the world and succumb to the "truth".  I can't say this song was about anyone in particular, just a likely subject-matter for the songs written at that time of my life...but now, 14+ years and many lifetimes later...maybe the protagonist is me?

Thanks for your time as always...hope you enjoyed.  Love y'all.
Tad

Tad's Acoustic Series Part Two - Out of My Mind

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'm definitely out of my mind (I've also learned that I judgmentally snicker when people misspell definitely as defiantly...but that's another story).  In fact, if you dig back into those parenthesis I may in all actuality be defiantly out of my mind as well, but I'm not sure any of that has to do with anything...which is sort of my life's view at this moment.  Now, for the lyrics:

I feel your heart beat next to mine

And I listen as it dances right in time

To the music in my head

Good God I think I'm fallen

I whisper something to you so sincere

In an instant all the clouds have turned to clear

And I know I’m not okay

Good Lord now I know I’ve fallen

Out of my mind and out of my head

My spectrum’s been shifted to green from red

And the color of your eyes leave nothing unsaid

And I know, I’m as good as dead

I watched the sunset yesterday

And I smiled as the rays blurred to a haze

And I thought ain't it beautiful

Good lord could I think I've fallen

My heart nearly stopped as you walked away

Then stopped for good when back you came

Now I know my mind has changed

Good god I know I’ve fallen

Looks like I’m fallen in love

I'm pretty sure this was written on my bedroom floor (as most of these songs were)...and I'm also fairly certain it's not about anyone in particular.  In fact, I think it was written at a time in my life where being "fallen" in love was just a hope...coming off another 2+ year "failed" relationship and feeling as I often did in those days as there was no one out there that would want me (boo-hoo I know...leave me alone, I was, and perhaps still am, a bit of a romantic pessimist).  

Lastly, this song came from a time when the "band" (my buddies Carl & Luke at the time) were starting to play open mics on a weekly basis and we felt (probably I felt most strongly) that we had to have a new song each week.  I taught them the chords and structure in the parking lot about 30 minutes before we went up...it was just how we did things.  Looking back on those times...knowing that I wanted a new song each week and was able to keep up w/ that "demand" for quite some time astounds me.  As I may have mentioned before, I have not written a meaningful full song in some time...if I had to put a number on it, my best guess would be at least eight years...so these songs defiantly came at the height of my creativity (FYI - the defiantly was on purpose).

Thanks all for checking it out, liking (hopefully), and commenting if you like.  This sort of exercise really gets me fired up...and I'm excited to find the time to record the rest and give insights as I can...as well as dig up old memories that keep the fire going (and may even stoke it to some degree).  A dear friend of mine recently asked me to write a song about where I'm at right now in life, w/ all the stresses, joys, and pains of Happily Ever After...well, she knows who she is...and my goal is to have that done by the time I get around to finishing this for her (and for me).

Thanks and love to y'all (I have a best friend and best friend-in-law in TX so I can use y'all w/ no hesitance).

Tad

Tad's Acoustic Series Part One - I Came to Play

So here we go...part one in a (insert number here) part series of songs I wrote many, many years ago and have recently decided to record one last time...just to share before I decide to give up the whole music thing all together.  

First of all, musically at least, this is probably my favorite of any song I've ever written (which is sort of like Nascar beginning their season w/ the biggest race of all).  I like the funky/fun vibe mixed w/ the usual depressing lyrics (my trade mark).  If memory serves, I wrote this in about an hour, sitting in my bedroom in my parents house.  Speaking of said lyrics, I suppose I should share them before we go any further:

I wanna feel this way forever how ‘bout you, you ready for something new?

I don’t expect things to get colder how ‘bout you, you ready to freeze right through?

You’ve got your reasons and I’ve got mine

And you won’t believe them but I don’t mind

Because I’ve felt this way forever it’s nothing new, are you ready to be abused?

   

Someone once told me things will always work for good if I only wait

I tried to believe them as I counted down the days and days and days…

Am I counting the right way?

What’s that look I don’t believe it, what’s it say, are things ready to go my way

I know I used to take for granted everything, just wish something would stay the same

You never were in it could things be worse

The way that you spin it I’m just not sure

Because I’ve felt this way forever, I came to play, and I wish you’d go away

Got time for a quick story how ‘bout something true

You may have jumped before me but I was ready before you

Don’t spout no explanation I’m careless either way

The day I lost you forever was the day my world was gained

This was one of my first lessons in the way that my songs could affect the ones who it was written about.  I flat out got called out on this one.  To me, it was a playful expression of my feelings, to her it was an indictment...and I've never forgotten that feeling of knowing how my "art" hurt someone's feelings.  In fact, it probably affected every song I wrote after it...in all actually it was the last truly "good" song I wrote...I put "good" in quotation marks b/c it's entirely subjective...but just my opinion.  

Song writing is a difficult animal...at least for me.  I have yet to learn how to write from a 3rd party observer perspective...everything I've ever written has been extremely personal...and maybe that's why it's been relatively good...not sure.  I'll be honest, I haven't written a decent song since I've been married w/ kids...b/c expressing your true feelings in such a vulnerable situation as that just seems to risky.  I love my wife, I love my kids...but to dive deep into the inner recesses of my dark soul honestly just seems like it leaves too much room for hurt for those I love.  Anyway, this is the first installment.  I can't promise any regular schedule or anything b/c that's just not how things work nowadays...but I am excited to record my "hits" and share them w/ you...and tell you a bit about what each of them mean, or at least meant to me at the time.  Please share, please enjoy...and please tell me what you think.

Love you all,

Tad

If you have any issues linking to the video, please visit my Facebook page, or let me know...I'll work out any kinks moving forward.

About: Sleep (or at least that's what they used to call it back in the day)

I wear many hats…I know we all do (but I’m talking literally…my bald head will lobsterize in a matter of moments if I don’t).  Full time husband, full time father, full time son, and full time night watchman.  Now, I don’t mean that I stand guard outside of the local Target in the middle of the night keeping thugs at bay with my flashlight (although there is a bit of romance in that thought for some reason)…I mean I am the keeper of the creatures of the night.  This takes many forms.  But lately, my night-time duties have included roaming the streets on foot pushing  a stroller, and driving aimlessly around the Temecula countryside (sidenote:  both of these activities include the addition of a small human…interesting enough, if there were no small human involved, one might pinpoint this as unsettling behavior…the line between father and social miscreant is more thin than I thought!). 

My daughter and I are locked in a battle of wills that has been going on since May 6^th, 2009 (or at least shortly thereafter).  We have opposing viewpoints on activities post 9pm.  My plans call for quiet, peace, relaxation, a little television perhaps…did I mention quiet?  Her plans call for more Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, more toys, more not being asleep in general.  As you can see, this can bring about conflict in a relationship when two people that are so different are trying to find common ground.  As I lie here in thought I can only imagine that Gorbachev would not close his eyes and lie down, and all Reagan wanted was to find out who killed J.R. (my time-line may be a bit off, but the point was made I believe). 

There have been many lessons on this journey along the way.  First and foremost…you can be guaranteed once you find a routine that works for you 100% of the time you’re about to discover that 100% does not exist in the two year old lexicon.  We’ve gone for weeks, even months with no incidents whatsoever and calm waters each evening…and then all of a sudden an iceberg pops out of nowhere and sinks the unsinkable ship!  WHY?!  WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We had an agreement Emily!  You’ve been sleeping good, and going down with no problems for months…WHAT IS DIFFERENT ABOUT TONIGHT!!!!????  (note to child protective services, the use of capital letters is the extent of my abuse towards my children…and for the time being, they are unable to read, so we’re good). 

I’ve read to the child…I’ve lied down next to the child for hours…I’ve brought her back downstairs to watch another episode of Mickey…I’ve even tried slipping her a Mickey (the stuffed version c.p.s…please get off my back).    Nada…zippo…zilch…bubkis…screaming…wailing…vomiting…sobbing (and that’s just me).   We’re in that lovely stage where nothing seems to work all the time…and the closest thing we can find is movement.

So now…if it’s late, and you’re trying to track me down…start by searching the Temecula Valley.  You’ll see me pushing a stroller up and down the dark streets of my neighborhood…peering in windows as happy parents gather around their flat-screens for some adult time while their children are nestled all snug in their beds…mocking me in their contentment.  Or better yet switch your gaze to the I-15 as I drive up and down, back and forth, just waiting for those precious eyelids in the backseat to close ever so gently, hoping that I can quickly return to base, gently unlatch the car seat, and scamper upstairs without disturbing the golden slumber. 

This whole thing is hard.  I think in many ways it’s harder than I thought it would be.  But it’s also that much easier when you care that much about the cargo you’re hauling around.  As tired as I am, and as frustrated as I get…come find me in 10 years.  I’ll still be roaming the Temecula Valley on foot or by car on a nightly basis…just wishing the precious cargo from years before still needed hauling around in the middle of the night.

Frustration lasts but mere moments when it rears its ugly head…so own it…embrace it…then let it go as quick as you can.  The moments that cause the frustration last even shorter in the big picture…and God knows I will miss them desperately when they’re gone.

About: Beginnings (New and Old)

My first guitar came in the form of an “Airline” acoustic.  My grandma was visiting a place where people go to die and play chicken with hurricanes (I guess inanimate objects end up there as well) and decided that this hunk of wood would be something I might enjoy. 

I first was introduced to the musical world at the tender age of four (sidebar:  tender age?  Still pliable…able to be shaped and nurtured?  Juicy and delicious?  Just can’t quite wrap my head around this one).  My mom and dad decided to enroll me in piano lessons, because the incessant whining of a four year old boy echoing through the vast expanse of a 950 square foot house wasn’t nearly enough white noise for their liking.  I’m guessing here…I was only four, give me a break.  Apparently, I took to it right away, and went on to play constantly for the next 10 years.  For all you sports fans out there, I was the Allen Iverson of piano players (the disdain of practice thing, not the 6’0”, 165lb African American point guard thing).  I hated practice.  I hated learning the ins and outs of the “theory” as they call it…the structure of music.  I hated it with a passion.  I remember one year I went through a standardized musical test of some sort at San Diego State University and ended up passing the theory portion by one point…but knocking the judges socks off in the performance part (to be fair, when you played “Pop Goes the Weasel” like I did…it was hard for the suits not to take notice).  All this to say, I could play…I could feel the music.  I could take the music off the page, and make it what I thought it should be, structure be damned. 

Well, fast forward to the end of that 10 year period and you have a 14 year old young man tired of the whole thing.  I never allowed piano to really lead me anywhere.  I played recitals, I played for church, I played for school, but I just played because I was the piano guy, not because my heart was in it.  So I quit (in retrospect perhaps an all too recurring theme in my life).  But thanks to my grandma, my musical void would be filled ASAP.

I ended up teaching myself how to play the guitar (with the help of a chord book, time, Alice in Chains, Gregory Page, Live and Dave Matthews Band).  I would lock myself in my room for hours on end learning this chord and that chord, and eventually putting those chords together to sound like something familiar.  I never did learn how to read guitar sheet music or anything like that…but I did learn how to hear what was right, and what was not.  I owe that to the 10 years of piano for sure.  Guitar took me more places than piano ever did…but those are stories for another day. 

Looking back, the purpose of this post is just to introduce the reason I started this blog in the first place.  I’m a hopeless right-brained hack with a terminal case of “quit” who never really gave 100% of myself to anything…and I don’t want that to be on my tombstone.  I’m going to seek out friends to add posts of their own too…their memories…their stories…their honesty.  I would like this to become a place that people can go to either lose themselves in the ridiculousness of others, or maybe even learn something about themselves. 

This kind of got away from me at the end, but I’ll do better next time.  Please join me.  If you have any stories to share about anything at all (I love funny, I love dark, I love real), hit me up on the comments section, or at trad77@aol.com.  Let’s start something cool, for no other reason than it’s cool.  We can build a community of creative people searching for an outlet for that creativity.  We can share knowledge, we can share smiles, we can share tears…we can even share needles (for those that are into that whole sewing subculture)! 

Let’s do this.